I Want More

I want more out of my life. Professionally. There is more to me that what I am maintaining as a status quo. I am not just a mother, wife, daughter. Not that any of those are unimportant, they ARE and have been my life for the past year while I have tried to figure things out. When I closed my transcription business last January, I needed to think. Figure out where I was supposed to be in my life. At my age, I should have a career by now. I have-nothing. I have two wonderful kids who are turning out alright. I worry about them constantly and about their future. I have a slightly over achieving husband who is working on his doctorate. And here I am, one credit shy of an associate degree because I can’t seem to find that one last damn science class I can pass.

Most of my life, I have worked as a medical secretary. That front desk person you see, who welcomes you, maybe has you fill out some forms. And you know what? That job is STRESSFUL. Because people like to scream at the person sitting behind the window. Scream because they’ve been waiting (honestly, secretaries can’t control how fast a health care provider works), scream over co-pays (I don’t run you insurance company), just general nastiness abounds. It’s not a ‘cushy’ job, and not for the ill-tempered or faint of heart. My last attempt at this job was with a speciality office. My second week there an older man spent a good 5 minutes literally SCREAMING at me because of a bill he got. We had an entirely separate billing department, I offered to get someone to talk to him. But no, he preferred to belittle me and call my every name in the book until finally, the manager came to my window to deal with it. What did I do? I went to the break room and cried. Because I was just too old to deal with it. The stress was killing me. I liked the computer work, the paper work. But the people. Oh, the people. They ruined it for me. I was just a secretary, being screamed at was not in my job description. So that was the end of THAT job. So for a year, I have been debating my options, managing my depression, managing my chronic pain issues and being a stay at home mom. Something I had never done. Even when the kids were little, I worked. I missed out on a lot. I am glad I have had the past year to get to know them and be there for them when they really needed it. I have actually been ‘at home’ for four years, running my transcription business from home for three years prior to closing it.

I want more. I want something to stimulate my mind and get me moving. And, now we need me to work, because money is just too tight to not anymore. I want a career. But at my age, is that even possible? Is it too late for me? I don’t want to (and physically can’t) stand for 8 hours at a store working as a cashier (I did this when I was younger). There are physical limitations to what I can and can’t do, but I can do something. I NEED to do something.

This deep need to help provide for my family is eating away at my soul, deepening my depression. I do feel worthless. Yes, I clean the house and do the laundry, but that doesn’t count. I need something real, tangible evidence that I am doing something for my family. Like a paycheck.

But I worry. I worry that when one of my kids will be in crisis I won’t be there. And it has happened in the past year when there was without a doubt and absolute need for me to be home for them both. It’s better now.

So I have interviewed for a job that I am pretty sure I can manage. It would be challenging to say the least, but I’m ready for the challenge. I hope I get the job. I hope I can do it. Because I want more.

Good-bye 2011

I couldn’t be MORE thankful that this God-forsaken year is over. Really. It has to be one of the worst on record. I have had years where something bad happens and it sucks, but this year? This year has been one continuous battle after another. Started in January I had abdominal surgery and  I gave up my transcription business. By my choice. Followed soon by the explosion of a decades long friendship. It wasn’t a true surprise, but it still sucked. Then, a major plumbing DISASTER as the house cost us soo much money to fix. And it’s acting up. Again.

My husband switched jobs, for what he thought was a better paying, better fit for him. Only to find out that the employer talked big, but has no follow through and sometimes, just flat-out lied. My husband decided to return to his former employer, gave many many weeks notice (months, actually), only to be ‘fired’ the week before Christmas (two weeks before he was to leave to start his new job). Merry Christmas! No, it sucked. It wasn’t about the money issue, it was just that we were again lost, floating along with the hope that something happen soon, or we would be a month with no income. We have no savings. Anytime we try to save, something catastrophic happens. So we were looking at a very long month of eating peanut butter sandwiches. We weren’t even sure how we could afford the kids lunches at school. They could pack, but they are a freshman and a senior. They’d rather go without then pack.

We juggled car payments, utility payments, the mortgage and consolidated our credit cards so we don’t even have THOSE to use. (They were maxed out anyways).

I tried to find work. For months. Then, in November I took a county test for a secretary job. I passed the written and failed the typing. Of course. I could retake the typing in December. One more try. In early December I took another county test, for a typist. I won’t get the results for months. I was sent a canvas letter offering me a shot at ‘provisional’ employment. Meaning do the work until we get the test results. If you pass, you stay. If not, you go. I have an interview for that position. I finally passed the typing test and things are sort of looking up.

The hubs got to start his new job early, even though he went 11 days without work, without pay. We hope he actually gets his last paycheck from his former job, but we doubt it. We know it’s the law, but trust with this particular employer is not something we have.

Our beautiful daughter, a senior this year. With that comes expenses. She is taking college courses (and kicking ass at them), and those needed to be paid for. We managed. Senior pictures. Ok, we can manage. Deposit for senior trip….squeaked out. Earlier in the year, there was prom and all that money that entails.

When the kids want to order pizza on a Friday night, which had always been our ritual. We just have to say no. There is nothing there to pay. Kids don’t understand when you say there simply isn’t money. They just expect that you can write checks without realizing you need money in the bank to actually COVER those checks. Oh, to be young and naive and carefree.

A huge implosion with my extended family has left me without them. Our once close family, I am now not a part of. I have my own little family and my mom. Beyond that? No one. Their darkness and contempt is not something I miss. But I hate playing the part of the black sheep. A Princess fallen from grace is how it seems, and kind of how it feels. I won’t apologize for anything. I wasn’t raised to bow to the masses and conform to the insanity. I just won’t.

However, I am thankful. For my house (and all its flaws), my kids and their health, for two running vehicles. I have a lot more than most people do, and I am grateful for that. I just want to know when it will be our turn to catch the upswing. When things will be good and we can be happy and not lie awake at night with worry. It’s getting old.

So goodbye 2011. I am glad to see you’re leaving. I hope 2012 brings peace and happiness. We’ll see where we go.

 

 

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Just No Spirit

Christmas is coming. Soon. Everyone has their lights up, including us. But it just don’t feel it. Maybe it’s because it was such a bad year. Maybe because we didn’t have the money to go crazy with presents for the kids like we have in the past (and are still paying for–thanks Credit Cards!). I declined putting up any decorations, so my husband did it all. He even decorated the tree while I sat there and watched, for the most part.  Going into stores where everything is so glittery and shiny and Christmas-y makes me feel hollow. Christmas songs irk me. I just have no Christmas spirit.

Maybe it’s because the kids are older and aren’t as excited about Christmas. They generally know exactly what they are getting because they tell us exactly which one, what size, etc. Shopping for a teenager is a nightmare and expensive. No more cheap little toys to entertain them. They want the big-ticket items, stuff that even though with all my heart I want to give, I just don’t have the funds.

I have other things to be thankful for. A house (that needs some repairs, but whose doesn’t?), two cars, a cell phone, the internet. I have a lot more than some people have this holiday. Food, heat, clothing and a family I love.

Maybe it’s because Christmas for me now isn’t what it used to be. Every year my large extended family would have a huge Christmas Eve dinner and present exchange. Well, after my grandfather passed away, a lot of family in-fighting started. That turned into HUGE fights. Now, Christmas Eve has gone from 30+ people filling my dining room and living room, to about 6 or 7. No wall to wall people, all taking at once. That is what made it feel like Christmas. That’s all gone now. Every corner of the family has cast themselves in a different direction, purposefully so we don’t have to cross paths.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not laying the blame anywhere, I am at fault just as much as anyone else. There are family members I no longer speak to. I don’t regret that. I did what I did because I felt it was right.

I just miss the joy that the season used to bring. Hiding presents so the kids couldn’t find them, talking about Santa. It’s all gone now. And that makes me sad. I can’t even get up the enthusiasm to bake Christmas cookies, even though my aunt made the dough and frosting and gave it to me.

This year as just broke me. I have always believed that we will always get the upswing, that better things will happen. But this year…that hasn’t happened. There has been no break in the constant drama of adulthood. It has been a constant onslaught of things going wrong.

Last year I went to a psychic. It was a party type thing, so I went for fun, paid my $20 to have my ‘cards’ read. She promised a good year. That wonderful things would happen. I hoped so. She wasn’t just telling everyone good things, some people got bad news, so she wasn’t all light and airy. Apparently my mojo got screwed up somewhere.

Yes, I am babbling. It’s been a while since I have.

Thanks for stopping by.

 

Almost The End

It has not been a good year. I am eagerly anticipating the end of 2011 for the fresh, newness of a new year. A time when all things seem possible.

I haven’t been around in a while because I just couldn’t bring up the energy to write. Not that there was a lack of topics.

Parenting a 17 and a 15-year-old remain my greatest challenge and biggest joy. Guiding my daughter through her senior year and first real, soul wrenching heartbreak has been hard. Seeing your child so hurt and broken and knowing you can’t fix it is the hardest part of parenting.

My son continues to wage the battle of all 15-year-old boys. Wanting a girl, not finding one. A road only he can navigate. He has his own personal hurdles, but I know with our love and support, he will continue to grow and become the man I know he’ll be.

I think my New Years resolution is to write more, make my blog better. Because I need to do it for me. To explore my world and my mind.

So I am still here. Still kicking.

When The Universe Is Out To Get You

I haven’t been around lately. Because, well, I just haven’t had a lot to blog about. Thing around the manor, well, the have just kinda sucked. It’s like we have a giant bulls eye painted on our life and the universe is just lobbing stuff at us fast and furious. We are ducking and weaving, but occasionally, we take a hit. And wow, does it just…well, suck. It’s amazing how things just sometimes take the wind right out of your sails. You are just moving right along in life and the next thing you know, you are slammed with something unexpected and you are left dumfounded. But it’s when you are repeatedly hit with one thing after another, it gets old. Fast. Real fast.

I guess everyone has those times, when things just seem to keep hitting them. You hit a deer with the car. Your kid needs extra money for school. The dog needs to go to the vet. All at once. Money gets pinched and squeezed and managed to the nth degree. Everyone has a breaking point.

So I have been sustaining…managing as much as I can…treading water. Trying to manage my depression while trying to hold everything together.

My baby girl turns 17 this month. Her senior pictures are this month. This week, we submit her college application. Monumental things are taking place. Trying to stay positive for all the good and amazing things that are happening is sometimes hard, when the universe seems to be out to knock us off our feet. But we are maintaining. Good things are happening. We just need to remember to see the good.

So that’s what is happening here at the manor. Hopefully, I will be back with more for you soon. When the universe lightens up.

 

Blogger’s Block

I have blogger’s block. Like writer’s block, only worse. Worse because a blog is supposed to be a fluid, semi-daily, ongoing writing. And I can’t do it. I’m stuck. I’ve got nothing. I can’t think of a thing to write about. I have exhausted all topics and ideas that I had. I don’t have any ideas for short stories. I am still waiting to hear back about the second one that I submitted, but I suspect I will be rejected. Just like I was on the other one. I am still suffering from insomnia, so I am exhausted. I just am just living in the status quo. I’ve got nothing. I wish I did. It’s not that I have forgotten you, my fine little  blog. I am thinking about you, trying to think of something to make you grand. But right now, I am just fresh out of ideas. Hopefully, lightening will strike and you will shine. Until then, you will just have to wait and relax until I can make you awesome.

Up All Night

You just lie there. Staring into the dark. Debating whether to stay in bed, or get up and do something. You are so tired you want to cry, yet your mind won’t turn off for some reason and you can’t slip into sleep. Blissful sleep. So simple, yet so elusive. You roll over. Throw the covers back. Turn on your stomach. Flip the pillow over. *Sigh*. No position feels comfortable. You roll back over onto your back. You lie totally still and listen to the sounds of your house in the night. The creaking, the groaning. Perhaps there is ambient white noise, like a fan. *Blink* *Blink* In the dark, your eyes are well-adjusted and you can see everything. The TV, the clock, the door. You could get up. Maybe get on the computer and share you insomnia misery with others, but you are so tired. You think that maybe, just maybe, if you lie there long enough, your body will give into the tiredness and you’ll fall asleep. And then you do, for a short time, only to jerk awake a few minutes later. And then you begin the process all over again. Your body is betraying you. So tired. Insomnia. The mind running a hundred miles an hour, keeping you from sleeping. You rehash your day, plan for tomorrow. Maybe your anxious. Maybe your sad. Maybe you are excited. For whatever reason, you are not going to sleep. You pull the covers up and snuggle down. Still, you’re awake. You tap your fingers on your quilt. You are getting mad now. Finally, in the early morning light, when your body just can’t withstand another moment, you slip into a hazy sleep….only to hear the alarm blaring into your consciousness. Making you wake up. Stealing you away, robbing you of sleep. You are awake. Again.