The Dark Side of the Pool

I have suffered from depression for almost 20 years. I have been on every medication for depression there has been. Sometimes more than twice. My doctor has tweaked my meds, upped them, downed them, added and subtracted. It’s all about finding that wonderful, right combination where you are just you.

While I was floating in my pool the other day, one side was darkened by shade, the other bright in the late afternoon sun. As I struggled to keep my float in the light side of the pool, I thought about people like me who battle depression. Always trying to stay on the light side and out of the cold, but inevitably drifting to the dark side. So you try to at least maintain a balance. I hovered over the line between light and dark in that water. It was a constant struggle. Like battling depression. You just want to maintain some semblance of order and contentment in your life, and try to stay out of the cold darkness that once you are in, it consumes you.

I would like to say I’m OK right now. But I am drifting into the dark side of the pool. My meds are being adjusted, I am trying to maintain my balance, grasping onto whatever sunshine I can. But it’s a struggle. As real as any other struggle you face in life. There is no telling when that cold, dark hand comes creeping you spine and grabs hold of your heart and squeezes. Taking away you hope, your desire for life, it takes away everything. I am trying to float right in the middle, half in the sun, half in the dark. It’s better then giving in.


About kelley715

Soon to be divorced (again) mom to two and grandma to a special little peanut. Trying to figure out what I'm doing, where I'm going and how to make it through life.
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