She’s Not Here Right Now

I did it. I took my daughter to college, settled her into her dorm and left her there. By herself. Her roommate won’t be there for a couple of days. I cried. I cried hard as I clutched my first born to me, making her promise me that she would be safe and not open her door to anyone, and that she would call me anytime day or night if she needed me to make the hour and fifteen minute drive to get to her. And I meant it. I would drive to her in a blinding snow storm if she needed me. I cried when I left, and most of the way home. I cried when I was getting ready for bed. I cried again today while texting her. Feeling deep pangs of sorrow that she was all alone. So just a little while ago, we video chatted. And it helped. Seeing her, knowing she was OK, she wasn’t sad or depressed. She was just chilling in her room, eating junk food, watching TV and playing on the computer. Finding herself. Figuring out who she is, and being OK with being alone because she is OK with herself. That in itself is a skill that most much older people never achieve. The ability to be alone and be happy. I mean physically alone, not emotionally. Her first night away from home and all alone. I would have been terrified. Not her. She took it on in stride.

It’s hard. It’s hard knowing she isn’t right here right now. She will be on the weekend. And many weekends after. But she’s not here right now. And my heart hurts.

It hurts because she’s growing up, it hurts that I can’t be right there with her. But I know it’s a process of me learning to let go, a little at a time. Letting her grow.

While this past summer was one of the worst in our relationship, since then, we have become closer then ever. Making this separation hurt all the more.

But I am proud. So proud. She turned around a life on a fast skid, out of control and made it into something positive.

I will cry tonight when I go to bed. I am crying right now. A mixture of missing her, worry and being proud. Walking past her empty bedroom is the worst. I want to crawl on it and just feel her. And she hasn’t even been gone a full two days.

It’s going to be a really long semester.

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About kelley715

Soon to be divorced (again) mom to two and grandma to a special little peanut. Trying to figure out what I'm doing, where I'm going and how to make it through life.
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